Pregnancy Diary | 40 Weeks | On The Summer Solstice, And My Son's Birthday
Today (or technically, I guess it was yesterday) is the summer solstice here in the northern hemisphere.
As we experience the longest day of the year, I’m sitting here nursing my son and reflecting on the two years since he’s been born. I really love that he decided to come on the solstice :)
His pregnancy marked the beginning of a much deeper dive into spirituality for me. Shortly before conceiving him (but right around the time I started seeing him in my mind’s eye), I started having these very intense spiritual journeying experiences. I could not (and still don’t) control when or how these journeys decided to take me, but I always gain a lot of insight from them and try to just go with the flow and not be too controlling about it.
I think that is part of the message of Chosen, my son, as well as of the summer solstice.
How can we be in flow and connected, without being controlling? How can we release the banks of the river and just float along? How can we embody the idea of unattachment, while still honoring the light and the fire within ourselves to guide us and fuel our passions and our lives? How can we connect to the inner parts of ourselves that foster nourishment, of ourselves and others and our surroundings, and bring that energy forth into the world?
Chosen’s pregnancy and birth also marked the beginning of my deeper connection to nature and to the natural cycles of life.
Born on the summer solstice, the big benchmarks of his growth have been aligned with the changing of the seasons.
Three months old at the autumn equinox, half a year at the winter solstice, 9 months at the spring equinox, and a year old back again at summer solstice of course.
My current third pregnancy has also been reinforcing this pattern, as this baby is due TODAY, on the summer solstice, and was conceived around the autumn equinox. The winter solstice marked the beginning of my second trimester and the spring equinox the beginning of my third trimester.
This is slightly different than Chosen’s pregnancy because he was born almost two weeks “late” on the solstice, but was not originally due exactly on it.
Since moving to Sedona and being surrounded by more natural minded folks, more nature, and also doing my own part to deepen my connection to nature, the earth, and spirit, I’ve found that in general my life has cycled and synched with the moons more often, and with the seasons. It all feels so cool and so right!
But back to today and to Chosen, his birth two years ago really shifted a lot of things for me. It helped me to realize how much power we really have as humans, and how pleasurable birth and postpartum could be.
The birth and postpartum time was not without its challenges, but it awakened within me a power that has always been there but never had expressed itself before. His birth was pleasurable, not painful. It was fast and enjoyable. And afterward my postpartum experience was more restful and nourishing than I had experienced before, which paved the way for more of a feeling of groundedness and balance sooner after his birth than I thought possible for me!
I really believe that we all get the exact experiences we need in the moment, but there is an aspect of confident expectation that can be held within for most life experiences, that will hopefully manifest itself in some ways as we experience them.
That is the power of being a human.. that is what was awakened within during his pregnancy, birth, and postpartum experience.
Plus, he is such a little light. He really is a reflection of the sun. Everyone who interacts with him comments on how much joy is within him and how much joy he brings to his surroundings.
So thankful!
So, I guess on this day of the summer solstice and his birthday, I would like to reiterate the idea that there is a lot of light and hope in the world. We have access to it all, the lightness and the darkness, and we get to choose which frequency we embody and project into our environment!
My son shows me this every day :)
I will also paste his birth story below, for anyone who is interested!
Sending everyone so much love <3
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Chosen’s birth story
I wanted to write this all down earlier, because as time passes all of the little details fade more and more. Birth is so funny in that way. Though, the major shifts in perception and emotional landscape following birth will always be there, no matter how much time has passed.
Chosen’s birth was perfect .. as are all births.. but some are easier than others to accept as so. My first birth was a learning experience for me, and life changing, and made me uncomfortable for a long time until I could fully process it and see it as everything I needed at the time. I see the beauty of it now, and am so thankful. Without my first birth as my “learning birth,” I could never have this second birth as my “redemptive birth.”
The effects of both births will forever be etched on my soul. I told Taylor on the night of Chosen’s birth, that every person who gives birth deserves to feel how I feel about Chosen’s birth. Such a magical experience, though extremely challenging in some ways, that has made me feel complete and so uplifted and elated. I pray that I can carry these feelings without throughout my entire postpartum return.
Anyway, here are my memories from Chosen’s birth:
On Friday, June 21, 2019, I woke up still pregnant at 41 weeks and 4 days. My older sister and her family were leaving that morning to make the drive back home to the Seattle area, after being here for almost 2 weeks. I was sad to see them go without having met the baby. They drove off around 9am after saying their goodbyes.
At just after 10am I went to the bathroom and saw some bloody show on the toilet paper when I wiped! I felt so excited and relieved that things were actually happening finally! I texted my midwife about the bloody show and told her that was my first sign with Mazzy’s birth. With Mazzy, I saw bloody show in the morning and didn’t start feeling contractions til around 2 or 3pm, so I figured we would have some time before the baby came.
My sister Camille and her family were here and I really felt like I wanted to get out of the house and sit somewhere nature-y, especially since I am planning on having a weeks-long healing period of staying in my home after the birth. There is a cafe called Indian Gardens with a really nice chill and cool (temperature-wise) patio that I kept thinking about, so I asked everyone if they wanted to maybe make the drive there and have some lunch. It takes about 30 minutes minutes to get there and we left the house around noon, just as I was starting to feel beginning contractions.
With Mazzy’s birth (if you can’t tell, I’m constantly comparing the two!), I had beginning contractions for a few hours and they stayed spaced out and manageable for quite some time, so I figured it would be similar this time around. We got to the cafe and ordered and I felt the contractions getting a bit stronger and didn’t feel into eating or even drinking my iced chai latte which I had been dreaming about for weeks. :) Once everyone got their food and ate some of it, I said, “hey, I know we just got here but is it ok if we go home soon?” I just wanted to be in my comfort zone to move and deal with these birth sensations unselfconsciously. We left the restaurant not long after that and the drive home was slightly uncomfortable for me.
We got home around 1:15 and my sister took Mazzy to the park and the grocery store. I was somewhat sad that Mazzy wouldn’t be here during my labor but also felt relieved that she would be occupied for a while. I thought maybe we could call them to have them bring her back for the actual birth.
Taylor started setting up the birth pool (at the time I was sure the electric inflator was the most annoying sound ever as I dealt with my contractions nearby) and doing other random things like stretching and brushing his teeth (he thought we would be laboring for a while), which annoyed me at the time! How could any of that be as important as being with me during labor? :) I remember saying, “I don’t know if I can do this for a long time if it’s already this intense!”
I felt more present during this birth.. with Mazzy’s birth, I felt off on another planet for most of the 15 hours I was feeling labor sensations. This time I was here and observant and interactive the whole time. The contractions I was having for this birth seemed shorter than my contractions with Mazzy and more manageable, but intense in a different way that I can’t really explain. I didn’t have to count my way through them or visualize or repeat a mantra in my head, I just “felt” through them.
Once the pool had some water in it I got in and directed the hose of hot water right at my lower uterus, which helped a lot with the sensations I was having. My mucus plug fell out right away. A few contractions passed and we ran out of hot water as the tub was filling, so Taylor turned the hose off and I labored in the water for a bit, then decided to get out of the pool around 2:45 or so.
My water broke while I was on my knees leaning against the foot of our mattress, around 2:54 (I know the exact time because this is when I asked Taylor to call our midwife Maryn @indiebirth). This was the most amniotic fluid I’ve ever seen come out of someone! It poured out like those scenes in the movies when a woman stands there with water dumping out from between her legs onto the floor of the grocery store or whatever. :) Taylor asked Maryn to make her way over and said things were getting more intense.
After that, I felt like I needed to get back into the pool, and climbed in.. Taylor left to go to the bathroom on the other side of the room and I remember saying that I needed him or didn’t want him to leave or something. But he did have to pee so I was in the pool by myself when transition happened in a flash. I felt my body open and the baby immediately dropped into my vagina onto my pelvic floor and started to come out as I let it out a loud “nooooooooooooooo!” followed by a blood curdling scream. Taylor had run over to me from the bathroom and was right in front of my face when I screamed. He said after the fact that he could see the baby’s head out a lot already at that point. This was very shortly after we called Maryn so she wasn’t here yet. For a few moments I pleaded with Taylor to help me, I just felt soooo intense and the rush of those transition hormones were feeling so much larger than myself.
I pulled up my pelvic floor in a kegal motion and told the baby I needed more time. I could feel his giant head outlined by my tissues, but I had pulled him back inside and I calmed myself down and kept reminding myself, “I can breathe. I can breathe.” I saw in my head scenes from the birth videos I had watched that were particularly inspiring to me, where the mamas gently breathed their babies out into the water, and focused on controlled breathing.
The baby was slowly trying to make his way out as I used my breathing to slow down his crowning. The top of his head did a lot of in and out motions as I kept my hand on my vulva, feeling the outline of his head stretching my tissues. My tissues felt unbelievably tight and stretched as his head slowly made its way out with my controlled breathing. I could feel (and Taylor could see) him pushing up against the top of my uterus with his feet to try to get his head out more. I didn’t do any pushing at all, it was all just the contractions and the baby doing all the work as I breathed through it.
Eventually I just held onto Taylor and focused on my breathing as the head slowly made its way out. I kept switching positions from hands and knees facing Taylor and holding onto him with my hands, to facing away from him and using him as back support. I kept coaching myself to keep breathing and also telling Taylor that I loved him and telling the baby that I loved him and wanted to meet him (though this was before I knew he was a him). Maryn arrived at 3:25 and poked her head into the room to say she was here as the baby was still slowly crowning. At the time, I didn’t want her to be in here while I gave birth and she must have gotten those vibes and she waited in the living room.
Based on Maryn’s notes of when it sounded most intense, I’m guessing at around 3:39, the entire head came out, and it felt soooooo good to have the head out! Sweet relief and I felt like I could relax and release all the tension from my body finally. It had been about 45 minutes or so of trying to slowly control the release of the head and avoid tearing. I tore a lot with Mazzy and I was determined not to tear again like that! Taylor told me afterward that toward the end of the 45 minutes, I kept saying “ring of fire, ring of fire” as I felt the final stretching as the widest part of his head released.
I reached down and touched the head and felt the little ears and said “hi baby” and felt such relief that the baby was almost out. I waited for my next contraction and thought about how the shoulders would come out next. As the next contraction started I said out loud “shoulderssss” and felt the baby spiral out of me and I remember bearing down just slightly during the widest part of the body in order to help it through.
The baby was born at 3:51, and I picked him up out of the water and saw that he was a boy and said, “it’s a boyyyy!” and started talking to him and kissing him. Maryn came in when she heard me say it was a boy, and took some photos. Initially his tone and color looked good but he wasn’t breathing and looked to me like he was asleep, like he was in shock or something. His color started to turn blue and his body was floppy and Taylor and I started blowing on his face and rubbing his back to try to get him to take a breath.
He didn’t really respond at all and I asked Maryn if he was ok. She said I could give him a breath if I wanted to. I sucked out some fluid and then gave him a breath. Maryn asked if she could listen to his heart and immediately said to give him a couple breaths in a row and then hold him so the fluid could drain (later she told me his heart rate was in the 70s). I awkwardly did this as best as I could while sitting in the pool, and eventually he did breathe after several breaths from me, and his heart rate spiked back up to 140s and his color and tone were improving.
It was only about 7 minutes between when he was born and when he was looking good again.. it felt much shorter to me at the time but I’m glad Maryn was here to guide us and provide a sense of confidence and solid support while empowering us to take the steps necessary to help the baby ourselves. I can imagine if it were a different situation the baby would have been whisked away and other people would have taken over getting him to a stable place. In hindsight I’m so glad that Maryn enabled our autonomy because I feel a sense of empowerment knowing I helped my own baby transition to life here when he needed it.
I never really felt that worried as we were trying to help him “come into his body,” partially because I had just attended a birth recently of a large baby who took time to come into his body in a similar way and ended up being really great once he came in. And Chosen had been such an active participant in his birth, I had no feelings or worries that he would not breathe eventually, it was just a matter of when.
A few minutes after Chosen was looking good, I reached down and felt several giant clots that had just come out of me. Not sure where these came from or why, but it was a weird feeling to have them come out and sit there outside the entrance of my vagina in the pool. I thought initially they were placenta or something and I put them in the pot we would use for the placenta. I tried to pull the placenta out gently by the cord as it felt like it was ready but the first time I tried it didn’t come out and I waited a couple more minutes after that to try again. At 4:05 I birthed my own placenta into the pool.
It felt so weird for it to come out. After Mazzy’s birth, birthing the placenta was such a relief (and happened about an hour after she was born), but after this birth it felt a bit more weird than relieving and happened just minutes after his birth. I think it felt weird because it was such a big placenta? Taylor estimates it is about 8lbs, and it’s definitely the largest placenta I’ve ever seen and Maryn said it was one of the largest ones she’s seen too.
By this time the baby was crying and looking really good! And I wanted to get out of the pool as soon as possible. I asked Taylor to hold the baby while I showered quickly, then climbed into my bed to start nursing the baby. He was really fussy and basically nursed non-stop from that point until 3AM! Sometimes bigger babies have low blood sugar and Chosen knew exactly what to do in order to get himself to a point where he was feeling good! He’s not a fussy boy anymore and has totally normal nursing sessions, so I’m sure that initially challenging period was just what he needed to do in order to acclimate.
We weighed him while Maryn was here and he weighed 10lbs 2oz, which was shocking to me! Mazzy was 8lbs at birth, and I thought this baby would be longer but had no idea he would be 2 lbs heavier! He was too fussy at that time to measure his length or head circumference or anything so i have no clue what those statistics are for him besides “big” :)
He’s such a beautiful boy, and I love his birth story so much. I’m thankful for each and every part of it, especially that it was so quick while being so manageable! Such a blessing. I felt so much more experienced and prepared during this birth than I did with Mazzy’s, and I really think being “able” to birth on my own with no one else present in the room besides Taylor- but with a super experienced pro just on the other side of the door - was exactly what I needed in order to have the birth I’ve been dreaming of. And Taylor was the perfect birth partner.. so responsive and he held such perfect space for me to have my own experience how I needed it to happen. His physical presence provided so much comfort for me, even if I kept telling him to shut up whenever he tried to say something positive :)
