The Real Reason Why S*x Feels Mediocre These Days:...
Do you ever feel like you’re just going through the motions when it comes to intimacy with your partner?
You both get home from work and you feel a sense of obligation because you want to connect & avoid the pushback later if you don’t…
So you decide to make love but you’re just kinda… bored?
Or thinking about grocery shopping or what you’ll make for dinner?
You wait til it’s over and then you go on about your day, checking it off your “to do” list like it’s no different than picking up the kids from school.
When I was in this situation myself, my first inclination was to start seeking ways to “spice things up” in my marriage, like introducing toys or sexy lingerie or role-playing…
But these external tricks, while they can be incredibly fun temporarily, don’t address the root issue.
We have to turn inward in order to find the answers to why we don’t feel that fiery passion in our intimacy.
Here’s a journey to explore that will help you find the root of your lackluster sex life:
Think back to your family of origin. If sexuality wasn’t celebrated there, we could have been shut down if we touched ourselves as kids, as an example.
If we grew up being shamed for expressing our sexuality, shamed for the way we dressed being too “slutty” or if we were caught masturbating and our parents made a huge deal out of it…
We can be subconsciously terrified of tapping into that pure sexually explorative and pleasure-seeking part of ourselves as an adult.. for fear we will be shunned, viewed as a slut, or shameful and deeply concerning to our tribe.
This can translate into a dampening of the s*xual fire and passion in our relationship.
We fear our partner won’t accept our raw s*xuality and fullest s*xual expression.. or that they simply won’t be able to handle it.
These fears are all beneath the surface, tied to our deepest chakras and buried beneath many layers of coping mechanisms most likely.
They’re illusory fears, yes.
But they’re subconsciously terrifying because it was a legitimate fear *as a child* that we might be shamed out of our tribe completely.
“Sexual expression = danger” is the message.
To really liberate this pure beautiful part of ourselves again in order to authentically and lastingly reignite the s*xual flames within partnership, follow these steps:
Create an environment where the love, safety, and belonging that we never received in childhood surrounding our s*xual expression is fully online and present in the heart/mind/body.
We create this vibration of love, safety, and belonging in our OWN body, expanding it larger and larger and bringing it up through each chakra and then absolutely wrapping our entire beingness (extending out past our aura) in it…
We then allow ourselves to experience sensuality and play within our own body, usually with a self pleasure practice or we can also do this within our partnership if our partner is on board and 100% supportive. Touch yourself, explore your body, tap into the fire within the roots of your Being.
Remember to wrap your whole self in unconditionally loving and accepting presence the whole time!
And from there we reprogram ourselves and we realize “I can have authentic sexual expression and still belong and be safe and loved.” On a somatic, nervous system, and emotional level.
We must also celebrate and embrace the false program/identity of “I can not fully express myself sexually,” the part that helped us survive and remain in belonging with our family of origin. Thank that part for keeping us alive and safe by keeping us in belonging and accepted.
We give this part of ourselves a seat at the table, welcoming it into our idea of who our Self is.
We play with it, connect, let it be, fully acknowledging this part of ourselves.
This whole journey of wrapping ourselves in unconditionally loving acceptance as we explore our unique sexual expression, loosens up the false self/identity of “my s*x is lackluster,” so we don’t have to fill in the hole (created by the repression of our original pure sexually explorative self as a child) with the false program anymore.
Then we will start to get tastes of the lost/repressed self — this curiously explorative sexual part of our original essence — because space has been made for it, too.
The flavor and taste of this playful celebration of pleasure whiffs up from underneath where the false self used to be in total control.
When I work with clients one-on-one or one-on-two for couples, I guide them into the openness needed in order to begin experiencing these lost parts of themselves…
Then I reflect, recognize, and acknowledge to them what I see and feel in them.
I know from my own healing journey that it is delightfully affirming for these parts of ourselves to be recognized by someone outside of ourselves :)
We then work together to integrate these false parts of ourselves so they don’t run the show anymore, liberating the lost or repressed self, so my clients can really tap into the deeply satisfying s*xual experiences they desire with nothing standing in the way anymore!
It’s amazing to be able to do this work on your own, but it’s also realllly supportive to have someone knowledgeable and fully supportive of your healing journey to walk beside you and help guide you through the sticky parts :)
