Fit For Service

(All photos in this post are taken by Kimberly Mufferi)

I moved to Sedona four years ago with such a clear vision, of serving women and families in one role as a midwife, and then was called into service by my community and shown so clearly how to do that in integrity.

When I was subsequently shown so clearly - with no shadow of doubt remaining - that my time as a midwife here was over after only a short run of serving in my own practice, I let myself feel the sense of unknowing, and exist within that space openly for many months. I made peace with the idea of sitting in stillness and openness in this in-between world for as long as it took until my next path was shown to me.

There was discomfort at some points, but generally I knew that I couldn’t try to imagine what would come next for me without doing it a disservice by imagining it too small. I had this feeling and this knowing that whatever was next for me was outside of my realm of imagination but that Spirit would present it in time, when I was ready and able to hold it.

I know now in hindsight that this in-between time was so needed for me, so I could begin to dismantle all of the boxes I had created for myself to exist within. I have had this tendency of creating structure, boundaries, walls, stories… not in a healthy way necessarily - though that is how it seemed to me at the time - but to keep myself “safe.” To keep my mind feeling like I was in control. To keep people at a distance subconsciously, because people had harmed me in the past and if I could keep myself separate, I could keep myself safe.

I had this realization that for every boundary I found myself coming up against within myself, for every edge, I could just *try* to expand past it. Just *gently* push myself outside of my own box, to see how it felt. If it felt good and expansive, I would keep going. If it felt like actual contraction, I would move back within my safe place.

This theme of embracing expansion and releasing my comfort level of contraction began presenting itself in all areas of my life.

I saw an ad on my Instagram feed for Aubrey Marcus’s Fit For Service Core Summit in Sedona after I had been putting the energy out to the universe for a few months that I was searching for a retreat to attend in order to work on myself and grow as an individual (outside of my identity as Mother).

I had heard of Aubrey from my husband but never really knew much more about him than the fact that he sat with plant medicine and that he has a podcast. I didn’t really know *why* I felt called to sign up for his retreat. But I felt a full - albeit curious - fuck yes from within when I thought about attending. I’m glad I listened.

Plus the fact that it was a retreat in Sedona where I would be able to attend and still come home to sleep in my own bed and nurse my baby at night was extremely appealing.

Leading up to the Summit I was still curious about why I was going, what it would entail, and why I felt the need to be there … and had many moments of backing out and thinking I would not actually attend.

Then the schedule of workshops and events was released a few days before the Summit was to begin and it became very clear that there was going to be some DEEEEP and applicable work being done within the container of the Summit.

A three hour death meditation???! Workshops on shame, a tantra activation, and a THREE hour breathwork ceremony???! Woah. I started to get nervous. But also excited. There were musical performances and ecstatic dances and an attendee talent show too! Fun mixed in with deep shadow work.

Earlier this year, I experienced the death of three babies in various ways while I was in my role as midwife, and those deaths rocked me to my core. I have still been working through the emotions of those experiences in addition to my relationship with birth and death in general, plus openly wondering what my next role of service would be, aside from mothering my children and being a fully present and connected partner to my husband… and I knew that the retreat was designed to help me work through all of this and become more clear.

It’s really cliché to say this of course, but it’s true - words can not accurately describe the experience I shared with 200+ other beautiful Beings on the red earth in front of Bear Mountain during the 5 days of the Fit For Service journey.

But y’all know me… I’m going to try anyway ;)

The first night, as I sat slack-jawed watching Porangui perform, feeling his reverence for the energetics of the space, for opening the container in a sacred way, for honoring the land and the ancestors and the Native ways of commencing a ceremony… I knew that I was descending into a medicine journey. There was a palpable shift in the energetics of myself and the entire group, strands of connection beginning to weave their way through all of the participants, the facilitators, and the deepest corners of all of our psyches and souls.

The next morning we arrived and found our places sitting on the plastic turf or on one of the many woven rugs strewn across the floor of the big tent, and we were fed delicious handmade chocolate laced with blue lotus flower. Dr Dan’s recommendation to allow the chocolate to slowly melt in our mouths and to savor the experience helped to bring me into my body and my physical experience before we began our chat on Death.

We were then led - through guided meditation - to our own deaths.

I felt my consciousness slowly drift away from my body, and from this after-life perspective, some awareness came through my experience.

This one precious life, this one AMAZING and incredibly short experience that we have all signed up to move and dance through together … was I wasting it in a sense, by hiding my light? My joy, my passion, my pleasure? Had I inadvertently turned myself off, in an effort to control my reality and keep myself “safe” and “acceptable” and “loved?” Was I missing my opportunity to be fully aligned with and in service to my higher self, the Divine, and my capital P Purpose?

These were the same thoughts that helped me craft my new way of existing once I landed back in my body for processing and integration after the guided meditation.

This conversation really shifted something inside of me in a massive way. I realized how much I had been holding people at arm’s distance, how my life and my spiritual path had become so serious, how my heart was open a bit but not as much as I knew I wanted it to be if I were to die tomorrow.

I have actually had many near-death experiences in this lifetime.. which I think is somewhat strange? From leaving my body and having to be resuscitated during a routine wisdom-teeth extraction as a teen, to a near-drowning where I actually gave up and surrendered to my death only to be spat back out of the ocean onto a rock so I could save myself… I’ve had this experience frequently throughout my lifetime, of a shift in perspective from a close brush with non-existence.

Somehow I forget at times. About the value of intimacy, the value of my own magic, the value of deep connection with others, the achingly sweet value of every silly moment of every silly day. Or maybe I don’t forget but I just need these experiences every once in a while to deepen into a new layer of awareness, for my own experience and for how I share this energy with others in my community and about how we all relate to death, even if it’s in the midst of birth, collectively.

Regardless, we all moved through the remainder of the Summit experience with more porousness and openness to the depth of connection possible between each other and the deepest parts of ourselves, after starting of the first full day of programming by dying together and being reborn with a new perspective.

I guess I actually won’t try to narrate the rest of my experience at Summit, because I really truly can’t come close to accurately portraying anything about it. And this is already long as hayle, lol.

What I will say, though, is that this experience was medicine of the deepest order for me. I explored my feelings about my role in this community, my feelings about death, about the death of those babies earlier this year, about my relationship to my partner, my children, and myself.

I deepened in every possible way. I explored my shadow, the darkness within myself, everything I’ve ever marked as “Other” or had a hard time understanding so shuttled into the category of “dark” or “bad.”

I stepped into expansion from a state of contraction. I embraced joy, cleared energetic blocks from within my Self (which I felt in a very physical way, leaving my body… so cool) and turned my Self back the fuck on. I stepped away from stories about guilt or shame inflicted by myself, others, or Culture.

After the death meditation, I wrote a manifesto for how I will move forward in my life, with this awareness and change of perspective after “dying.” I’ll share it below:

“I will not hide my light. I will not allow the challenges of life to steal my joy. I will approach every struggle and every time of flow equally, with joy, curiosity, and love. I will deepen into my truth, which is Joy, Peace, and Love as a state of Being.

I will get curious about my edges and my ability to expand beyond them. I will be turned ON by life! By love! By my reality! I will take more ownership of my experience.

I will channel big ideas unapologetically. I will stand so firmly in my truth that nothing will be able to work against it. I will not be tested, but divinely curious.

And I will open myself completely, in service to my higher self and the Divine. I will open myself to Love.”

One of the neatest parts of this whole thing - in my opinion at least - is that I left the Summit feeling super clear and open, but didn’t have any more clarity on my next path of service.

Then, exactly one week later, the next big idea came and plopped itself in my lap, thanks in large part to a conversation with Taylor and a download he received while we were chatting.

He totally channeled in the basis of this vision, and in doing so allowed me to do my thing with it and expand and expound upon that initial foundation. :)

And what a grand and sparkly-feeling path this is turning out to be !

More to come in future writings as this vision becomes more clear :)

What I’ve realized in the two week integration period since leaving Summit is that I’m also a human .. as is everyone else around me.

It’s ok for me to have human emotions, responses, boundaries, walls, and processes without spiritually bypassing myself or getting too heady about how I’m supposed to be living in Joy all the time. It’s much easier for me to FEEL my way through life, rather than having to think my way through it.

To just be super crystal clear about things: Fit For Service Core Summit is an experience that has shifted me into a new timeline, helped me clear so much that has been hampering my growth and my ability to serve my community, helped me embrace expansion and real true Joy in all areas of my life. While also showing me just how human I am in the process of seeking my Truth.

I highly recommend the organization and retreats if you’re seeking something similar for yourself. I found myself at the retreat in each of the workshops just wishing my whole community and each of my loved ones could be there with me, exploring their own medicine and journeying through their own growth beside me.

And really, if you can’t make it yourself, I hope me writing about it in this way can help share some of the energy I received there with you, so you can pass it along to your family and community yourself too :)

Together we rise, fam. Let’s fucking go.