5 Years Of Mothering

[Photo by Amelia Gray Photography shooting for Jane in the Woods)

Five years of mothering. Five whole years that feels like a lifetime and like a blink of an eye in the same breath. 

I’m constantly amazed at Mazzy.. She is constantly (I’m using the same word because it’s not an exaggeration) blowing my mind with her cheerfulness, her mothering, her caring, her complete acceptance of her own emotional cycle, and her willingness to step in and help a friend, a brother, or a parent who needs sticking up for (in her mind). 

And I’m not taking credit for ANY of that, by the way. 

She has just been existing and I’ve just been holding space for her unfolding… And this is who showed up. 

This gorgeous GORGEOUS (using the same word because it’s not an exaggeration) soul, that I get the absolute HONOR to witness. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all easy, but it all flows, if that makes sense. 

Like, she SCREAMS, y’all. She gets angry and she really uses her voice to let us all know. It’s a beautiful expression of divine feminine rage and I’m 100% here for it, even though it’s not easy. 

I’ve always said this, and I’ll say it again all the rest of my days, but Mazzy came here to show me all the places within myself that I’ve not been accepting myself, my own unique soul expression. Because she is fully OK with fully expressing herself, her rage, her frustration, her joy, her sorrow, her disdain, her excitement… and I have to be fully OK with that too. I mean, I don’t HAVE to, but I choose to, because as I hold the space for her, I hold the space for me and my inner children to really express themselves and be held in a container of love while doing so. 

Unconditional love. Damn… She came here to teach me that. Damn! 

Her and my beloved dog Lovey (RIP) .. they were my first children in all of the ways. Mazzy’s birth opened me (a special version of destruction that is reserved for mothers), her childhood opened me, and then the fact that her two brothers have come after her has opened me even more. I thought I knew how to love Mazzy to the depths of my heart and soul, like I was giving her my everything and that it was a lot. AND THEN I HAD MORE KIDS! And oh my god, the deepening continues and my love for Mazzy grows in power and strength every day as my second and third teach me how to love even more deeply, on top of the levels Mazzy has helped me reach. 

I’ve been learning more about Human Design as a way of enriching my understanding of myself and my partner and my children, what all of our needs are and how OK they all are. I grew up in a big family and my “conditioning” has been that the unique needs of each individual don’t really matter much compared to what is best for the greater good of the family.. which usually in my childhood at least, meant the greatest good of my mom’s mental stability. 

So, having a partner who has his own strong and unique needs, having three children with their own personalities to navigate, I will take all the tools I can get in order to unravel my own programming and value where everyone is at, fully. 

(Photo by Amelia Gray Photography)

Mazzy is a 4/6 Manifesting Generator in Human Design. Which makes SOOO much sense to me! And I LOVE that she is a 4 of course, but also a 6 line because I am a 6/2 Generator :) I love that we share this in common, and it helps me to see myself as a child and reparent myself as I parent her. 

I highly recommend researching your kids’ human design and their profiles or “lines”! Wow.. how cool it is to get to know everyone on a deeper level while also feeling seen for who *I* actually am, as well. 

Mazzy… My dream girl. My love. My now-big girl. My probably only girl. How lucky I have been to hold space and watch her bloom. How much magic she has added to our lives. How much growth she has encouraged in both of us as her parents. How much love we have for her. 

Happy birthday Mazzy. Thank you for making me a mother of humans <3 Thank you for knowing my flaws and still choosing to come in first. Thank you for being your authentic self and for helping me love myself as I love YOU more and more.